Memory only serves to remind of all the regrets you forgave.

I have this friend. Left to be un-named. So instead we will use the letter "J" for them.. Sound good? cool.
     So, I have this friend. not just a friend. a BEST friend. Ive been this close to very  few people. I choose to be open and honest with everyone, and I'll become friends with everyone. but I choose not to share all my self, with hardly anyone. It takes a lot to become this close to me. Some people think they are, but they are mistaken.(but that's alright, they can think what they want to make themselves happy!) Anyway, this friend, I shared every secret with. Pretty sure they knew me better than myself. I would tell them things I probably shouldn't have, but I didn't care. I trusted them. And that's okay, cause they are completely trustworthy.
For a long time I tried to impress J, I would wake up earlier to look prettier everyday. Stay up later to talk to J. Make an effort to be better friends and more "chill"" to hang out with. I put a lot of thought into everything I did. but not for me, for J. This lasted for a long time. I eventually became depressed because I was always trying to impress someone other than myself, therefore I was never good enough. I spent a lot of weekends crying to myself for no reason in a bubble bath. But when I wasn't in the bubble bath I was with J. I know, I was an idiot.
Well J kinda hurt me. We had an awkward time to say the least, where one would text the other and the receiver would debate texting back. We would want to hang out, but when we did it was weird. something wasn't right. it wasn't the same.
I started not really caring. I decided, I'm not going to hide anything, like I once did a while ago. I'd let J see me with no make up on, 3X too big of sweats on and my hair SLICKED back into a tight ballet bun. Screw it. Not like I ever care what I looked like. Everything seemed right again! no more awkward-ness. I was finally happy I wasnt trying to force anything.
Then summer. Where everyone is prettier and tanner.
Awkward came again.
I wanted to know what was causing these odd awkward moments since J and I are so close, nothing should be awkward.
I started connecting dots. J liked someone. I started being replaced in a sense. I wasnt used to this, it hasnt ever happened before. I didnt like this feeling. J wanted to be with their "lover" and i wanted to be with J, but that didnt always work cause we were both fighting for J's attention. Not to mention i dont think J's "lover" likes when im there because of how close we are.
Well I tried to inform J i knew multiple times. Each time i would get an answer like "no its not true, i dont like them. just cause we flirt doesnt mean anything" Well, hi, im not an idiot, I knew something was going on, but everyone kept lying.
I finally grew a pair and confronted J i KNEW! i told J that i knew, i wasnt an idiot, it was obvious. J gave me a sweet explanation saying that they just didnt want to hurt me, they were trying to help me. blah blah blah. But did it ever occur to J that i would find out? and it would hurt me even more knowing they didnt have the decency to tell me the truth? Neglecting the fact that i was THEIR best friend too and they were going to keep a secret from me..
That is how J hurt me. We talked it through. I've forgiven J. I know I hurt J, as much as J hurt me. Ive apologized, because I do love J. J truly is one of my BEST friends. I still tell J secrets all the time. I still try so hard for J. but somethings take longer to forgive then others. I guess this is my way of forgiving myself for caring so much. Forgiving myself for hurting J. "fears are stupid, So are regrets." - Marilyn Monroe.

Have any of you had a similar experience.? how did you deal with it? are you still friends?